We have to go back 5 years to reach the start of this story. Leicester had just won the English Premier League. Portugal, minus Ronaldo who went off injured in the first half have just won the Euro’s. The Green and White wearing dog nonces had just won their 1 millionth SPL title and the sister shagging webbed toed reprobates from the blue side of Glasgow had finally dragged themselves back to relevance and to the SPL. Oh and the vermin from Hibs had just won the bloody cup.

If you haven’t guessed, our story begins in Scotland, specifically Edinburgh. In a small part of the city called Wester Hailes, a block of flats nestled neatly toward the far end of Hailes Quarry park, two unassuming men are making their way toward the aforementioned flats.

They reached room 7 on the second floor and as the door flew open and banged into the wall, it caused a doorknob shaped hole where it hit. The noise didn’t wake him.

As the 2 men entered the room it was dark, no lights were on apart from the feint light of a phone charging on the cupboard in the corner. The men heard snoring coming from a room down the hallway.

He was laying on the bed, drool coming out of his mouth and 1 hand down his pants.

‘Wake up you twat, it’s time’ the younger man shouted whilst shaking him. He didn’t stir.

The older man turned on the lights, opened the curtains to let some more light in, but still he wouldn’t move

‘Fill that cup with water’ the older man asked

‘I’m not thirsty’

‘I’m not giving it to you, you dumb shit’

The younger man did as asked and brought the cup back over, filled with warm water. The older man poured it over the prone body on the bed who immediately jumped up screaming

‘Kin’ hell man what you do that for?!’

‘James, how many fucking times do you need telling to set an alarm?

James sat up, shook his head and looked down to the bulge in his pants, looked nervously at the 2 men in his room and said ‘I was having a belter dream, I was off me tits on pills and I was balls deep in Natalie Sawyer on the Sky Sports set whilst Georgie Thompson….’

The older cut him off ‘Shut up will ya’ and go get dressed’

The younger man, intrigued asked ‘What was Georgie Thompson doing?’

‘I dunno do I! You bastards woke me up!’

A short time later they were at Edinburgh airport checking in when security asked ‘Anything to declare?’

‘Not to you I don’t’ the man replied

‘Any narcotics, weapons or aerosols on your person?’

‘Nope, sniffed all me gear before coming here didn’t I’

‘Sir, I will take a swab and detain you if you’re found to carrying narcotics, consumed or otherwise’

‘Piss off you jumped rent-a-cop I’m joking’

The security guard eventually let them pass through after being satisfied there was no threat to human life from the men. Eventually the plane took off, and they were on the way

James Stanley Vincent Muir, also known as Jimmy, has a name familiar with people who like football, and I assume you do seeing as how you’re reading this. Jimmy Muir was the title character in the film When Saturday Comes, shit film by the way, if you want a good football related film, go and watch the Goal! series. Anyway Jimmy Muir from Edinburgh Scotland isn’t being scouted by Sheffield United, or any other English team for that matter.

Jimmy wasn’t a bad footballer as a child, but he wasn’t what you’d call good. 100% effort with roughly 40% talent, and that’s being kind. All he ever did was run run run. Couldn’t tackle, couldn’t pass, couldn’t dribble but by God he could run and never got tired. His mother was an addict and the story goes she was under the influence of ecstasy when she conceived Jimmy. The family generally accepted this as the reason why Jimmy as a child had 2 settings, asleep and causing fucking havoc! Nowadays he’d be given a label such as ADHD or bi-polar, but back then when we were kids he was just labelled as being a little shit. Not much has changed since he hit adulthood.

Never getting further than semi pro level as a player, he slowly transitioned into management, also known as shouting obscenities on the sideline whilst the other actual coaches did their job.

But one autumn morning in 2016 Jimmy’s life changed forever. After confiding in his two friends, or at least the only two people in Edinburgh that don’t dislike him enough to ignore him completely, the one of them he confided in being another down and outer from Wester Hailes, apparently had contacts in football and knew a guy that knew a guy, who happened to be having an affair with a club chairman’s wife

‘I can sense the hunger within you James’ the man who’s eyes were as wide as saucers and jaw was swinging from post code to post code said ‘You’re also full of conflict and I can help you achieve your dreams’

Putting the rolled up twenty-pound note and mirror on the table, Jimmy looked up and said ‘Aye, can ya really?’

‘Yes my son’

‘I aren’t your son you daft twat’

‘Share your desires with me, I can make them happen’

Picking the mirror and note back up then hoovering up the powder on top he replied ‘How exactly?’

‘Put your trust in me, meet me tomorrow morning at 9 o clock, and your life will change forever’

Which brings us back nicely to the airplane they’d just boarded. Jimmy had just put on the headphones provided and the film that was playing was The Hangover 2.

‘Where is we’re going to exactly old timer? Jimmy asked

‘I’ll give you a clue. That film you’re watching is quite relevant’

‘Hmm, Hangover eh. Must be going to a boozer!

‘Not quite, well not right away’

‘Okay, Vegas?’


His hangover mixed with a come down was making him irritable. ‘Just tell me where we’re going’

‘A little place called Thailand’


Next chapter – When Saturday Comes – Part ii


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